Transcribed as part of the StoryCorpse Old Thankful Project
As Told by Granmaw Edna Embolina Rotisserie-Clogged-Duckpin
“Whin Novembra goes deep an yer getting down to the grimbles. Well then. Comes a time to please and thank goodness if a bear eatcha you got kin and community to mourn yer scraps. Also, got to give praise that Gods ain’t cut you down, even though they seen whatchu did in the woodshed. You oughta thanks up. Keep in the nice with yer Lurds. Plus eat while you can in case em gods change his mind.
“Why do the Thanksgrovel? Practical simple. Pure and purty. You ain dead yit and you hope not die til spring. Only got to last longer’n that pig yer raisin’. You got in yer front-eye memory the picture of who all dint make it through last winter’s Crimby Knife Fight Season.
“Mebbe you now say, ‘Okay, okay, Granmaw. So how you get on with the Thankspart of naGrimby?’ and I sez, ‘PIPE DOWN AND PEEL EM TATERS. WE AIN’T ON THAT PART YET. No bibble! Shaddap!’
“Yall impatiens. When I was cricket-size, I learnt me to have some patiens! You had to hold patiens in those day. Might have to wait six months with a dangletooth til Gareth the Wanderer wandered back into territory and puled it for ya. After that, ya might hafta miss a week of school laid up on whiskeyrest.
“Times were hard!
“Yet we had barely a thought in our topnotcher but thanks to be breathin. Yessir. Now the thanks git tricky. Yall know it best to grub up, look down and humble short and quiet. It ain’t good to dry out yer tongue with too much thankin. That’s why you need gravy after the thankin. Slick up yer tongue nice and good again.
“Horace Duckpin once started the Grimby with a three hour grace; and when he didn’t stop there, the menfolk decided he bin robbed of his sense. They turnt him upside down in a waterbucket, and he still blew Thankbubbles for bout five minnits. When Horace bobbed up he said the turkey he kilt possessed him. Made him gobble on. The preacher said he heard it happened once before in Jerusalem. Back when tuckeys looked more like armadillers or sumpin. What you hed to do in sech circumstances, the preacher done instruct, wuz rebuke each and every forkful before you et. Had to shout, “DEVIL TUCKEE I REBUKE THEE DAMN TUCKEY!” Then chew that tuckey piece righteous on down.
“Prob’ly one of the best Thanksgrimbys of my life. Nothin taste better than a Tuckey Rebuked.
“When that Demon Tuckey was goned, Twitchy Linda sed, ‘How’d we know the demon didn’t go into another Tuckey in the woods? I could rebuke another tuckey. Yes I could.’ Big Jim stood up, waved his knife and shouted, ‘I say Yeehaw! I could rebuke me five more tuckeys!’
“Some all agreed. I myself stood on my chair and threw a spoon.
“But then the Elders invoked Frenzy Law and sed everybody better get on home and in bed or they’d let Creepy Pappy off the chain.
“Thems were good old days. Thanksgrimby ended all cozy cuddled up in one bed. Maw sang us a lullaby and we braided her armpit hairs.
“Whew! It ain’t right to let your granmaw go on like this, child. Gimme a little gravy. I feel wore out! Cain’t squawk like I used to. Sweet Rebuked Tuckey! I might need me a whiskeyrest.”